Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
