I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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