so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
