I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
