david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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