I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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