Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
