No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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