I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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