Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
