so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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