a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
