When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
