Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
