Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
