trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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