i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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