She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
