I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
