I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
