I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
