On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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