You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
