Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
