her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
