Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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