I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
