You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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