On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
