the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
