if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
