Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
