Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
