Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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