I wish my penis had an off switch
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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