I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
