that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
