He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
