I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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