The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
