He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
