As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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