if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
