gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
