I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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