You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
