I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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