It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
