i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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