getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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