Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
