Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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