You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
