i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
being pregnant is like rehab
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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