I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize