My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
