So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
