I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
